


Best Prepare To Grieve

by AnxiouslyNumb



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyNumb/pseuds/AnxiouslyNumb
Summary: Daisy didn't expect it to be easier, but with the number of people she had lost, and the amount of deaths and loss she had experienced; she wanted to believe it wouldn't hurt as much. But it hurt the same. Always. 7x10
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May/Skye | Daisy Johnson, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Comments: 14
Kudos: 103





	Best Prepare To Grieve

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is late and slightly more unedited than usual, 'cause I kinda had to post it before tonight's episode, so fair warning and all. Also this is heavily focused on Daisy and May, with a little Daisy/sousa. The higher dosage of Daisy and Sousa will be posted to my other fic (Tell me it's okay.)
> 
> Title inspiration: Hayley Williams - Leave It Alone. If you don't know it, go check it out. Actually, listen to her entire album. It's such a wonderful piece of art. Also the song ‘Simmer’ works for both Jiaying and Daisy. But especially Jiaying: If my child needed protection  
> From a fucker like that man  
> I'd sooner gut him  
> 'Cause nothing cuts like a mother
> 
> Okay, I'm gonna stop now before I start rambling about the genius of Hayley Williams.
> 
> If you know love  
> You best prepare to grieve  
> Let it enter your open heart and  
> Then prepare to let it leave

Daisy didn't expect it to be easier, but with the number of people she had lost, and the amount of deaths and loss she had experienced; she wanted to believe it wouldn't hurt as much. But it hurt the same. Always.

Daisy had noticed a change in the way she handled tragedy over the years. How she used to deal with sadness as a kid, crying and daydreaming of a better future. As a teenager, she was the typical angsty, cynical soul who hated the world. A rebellious determination hit in her 20s, she found solace in conspiracy theories and exposing the truths.

And then Coulson had found her, and she'd latched onto the opportunity behind the man, desperately trying to find her parents, to know who she was. But Coulson had given her much more than what she had been looking for. And at first, the loneliness and pain had lessened with the team. She was happy. She belonged.

But as much as S.H.I.E.L.D. had given her; it had taken just as much. And it had taught her to deal with afflictions by avoidance, isolation, and a whole lot of anger.

And Daisy wished so much that was the case by seeing her mother's death again, Daisy wished she could sweep it under the rug and carry on. Just put under it there, with the recent death of Enoch. But she couldn't.

Daisy felt like a little kid again. She just wanted to cry and never stop, her heart was squeezing itself so tightly in its cage, her ears ringing with its heavy pounding. She couldn't breathe.

Daisy's breathing was short and shallow, her heart rate dimming in the engulfing anguish and shock, her chest constricting with the unbearable weight of loss. Daisy was frigid with the retching grief swirling through her veins. How was it that she never knew her mother and it hurt as though she did. Everytime. She had always been an orphan; she never had a mother, this should've been easier. Daisy wanted it to be. Desperately. Daisy was deprived of a mother's love since she was born; she was used to this. And yet, if felt like she was being drained of her blood by Nathaniel all over again. He should've had finished the job.

What Daisy resented the most was the brief, naive sliver of hope that was momentarily lit within her heart. A hope she had learned time and time again to crush, to never let it simmer too long or too bright. Daisy had learned not to hope a long time ago.

But seeing her mother again had weakened her resolve; it melted that icy wall she'd built around her for so long. Because the Jiaying that had stood in front of her was so unlike the traumatic memories Daisy had tried to block out. And for a split second, Daisy let her mind wander: it wandered so stupidly, with an innocence she shouldn't have, gullibility that should had been long gone.

Jiaying's presence enfeebled her state of mind and her guarded heart. Because after all those years, Daisy still hoped. What if Jiaying could stay? What if bad luck decided to let her have this one? What if she could get to keep this untainted and healthy version of her mother? What if they saved her sister and managed to find some way to stay together? It was so brief, a nano-second of hopeful naivety.

 _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And now you're breaking down all over again_.

No, she wasn't breaking down again. Because as much as pain and sadness were familiar. Anger was too. And Daisy could easily channel this darkness that was threatening to swallow her, into fury. A familiar and safe territory.

It had been a while since Daisy had felt this kind of rage. She hated it. It was so easy to lose herself in that bottomless pit of hatred and self-pity. Daisy didn't want to give herself in it again; she'd almost lost the people she loved the last time she had went down an emotional spiral.

But it didn't matter, because Daisy wasn't going to let this go, her blood was boiling beneath the surface of her skin, her nerves prickled and itched with the fury that kept building up by each passing second. Quake was unraveling inside her, her powers thrumming with the need to be let out, it hummed and hammered, silently begging to be unleashed.

"Daisy."

May's wary voice traveled to her ears, but refused to reach the rest of her senses. A numbness began to settle over her as she quietly wiped away her muted tears.

May placed a hand on her shoulder and Daisy's eyes closed at the contact. Daisy couldn't handle comfort right now.

"Where is he?" her voice came out distant and cold.

"Daisy."

"How did he escape, May?"

"Garrett, I'm sure. He has Simmons."

Daisy's heart lurched in silent panic. Of course. Of course, he has her best friend. Daisy pulled away from May, standing up briskly.

“Deke is there too. He was already on the Zephyr.”

"Do you have any idea why he wants Simmons?"

"Daisy, you should take a breath," May said, putting a hand on her own chest.

"I'm fine, we have to act quickly and find her. Malick is unhinged; we don't know what he'll do," Daisy said monotonously, vaguely pointing at Jiaying's corpse. "We should move her first."

"I got it."

Sousa's voice was jarring, to say the least. Daisy was unaware of his presence in the hallway, and she didn't why, but she couldn't look at him.

"Thanks," she told him, marching forward and leaving Jiaying behind, not really caring where her legs were taking her.

"Daisy, where are you going?" May's word fell on deaf ears, Daisy needed to get out, it felt as though her lungs were collapsing in her chest.

Daisy almost sprinted outside. Her steps carrying her forward until she was stood in front of the water falling down harshly at the center of the Lighthouse. A scenery that used to bring her comfort; it was a place she sought out in her time of need, need of serenity and quiet. But her safe haven didn't provide much safety or peace, nothing could change the scene playing over and over in her mind.

Jiaying's face, the cracking sound of her neck breaking. The thudding finality of her lifeless body hitting the floor.

The air started to crackle around Daisy, her powers causing shudders to glide through her bones. Daisy was aware of the ground shaking beneath her, cargo and boxes of contents unknown to her, started to jolt and oscillate uncontrollably.

"Daisy!" It seemed May had followed her.

"Don't worry, May. I'm in control."

"Are you?"

"Yes!"

With a deep breath, Daisy focused all of her energy on one specific container, finally letting the infuriated vibrations out. Releasing her powers directly towards a few useless objects. One after the other, they exploded, and with each one Daisy felt her raging insides slightly subdue. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't Nathaniel.

"Daisy, talk to me." May came to stand next to her.

Daisy breathed in sharply. "What's the plan? Do we know - "

"Daisy, stop avoiding this."

"I'm not avoiding anything, May. Simmons was kidnapped, _again!_ And I'm guessing Malick is not taking her to Hawaii, so..."

"I know that," May gritted out.

"Good. So he probably took her because it has something to do with Fitz, which is just great because we have zero informa -"

"Daisy, I can feel it!" May's voice almost came out in a yell.

"I'm sorry?" Daisy asked uselessly.

"Daisy," May said. "You are in pain. And you are so angry. Please talk to me."

Daisy nodded her head in annoyance, her hands darting to her waist. "Okay, then, why didn't you shoot to kill, May?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you kill him?" Daisy snapped. "Why didn't you let me - ?"

"Your anger was too much, you would've put everyone in danger!"

"No, I wouldn't have! I know exactly what I'm doing."

May paused, taking a step closer to her. "Daisy - "

"What, you wanna talk about something else? Like the fact that apparently I don’t exist now, or the fact that I had to watch my mother die again. Killed by the hands of someone who was abusing my powers! He used my powers to kill her, May!"

"I know," May said softly, striding even closer to Daisy. The consoling noise of the water around them grounding Daisy.

"Honestly, what Did I expect?" she snickered. "She dies later anyway. . .might as well, right? At least now I won't be alive, I guess - I honestly don't how this works anymore."

"Daisy, don't do this. Don't shut down."

"Wow, that's rich coming from you," Daisy bit out, her frustration flowing freely.

May was quiet, which irritated Daisy even more. She simply stood there, staring at her, but not with pity. It was pain. May was hurting too.

Daisy rolled her eyes. "Right, your ambiguous powers are making you extra sensitive, huh? Sorry about that."

"I don't need powers to feel your pain, Daisy."

Daisy stiffened, her feet instinctively taking a step back. "Well, sorry about that too."

"Daisy," May followed her, a palm trying to reach for her arm again. Daisy let her. "I can tell. Always. And that's why I know you will be okay."

"Will I?" Daisy wondered, her tone small and broken. "you know sometimes, I have these moments where I look around, surrounded by you guys, and I feel safe. Content. But then this dread always hits, hard. And I'm just. . .constantly afraid of losing you. Death just follows me, wherever I go."

May blenched, her frown deepening as her hand squeezed Daisy almost sternly. "Don't. Don't say that."

"No, no, it's always been like this," Daisy continued loudly, her hands flailing in front of her restlessly. "it's the same thing, always. Anyone I ever dared to care about goes away. God, even the idea of my parents I couldn't have. Just the mere damn idea of them. And the universe is twisted enough to keep dangling her, dangling that hope in my face!

"I've imagined meeting my mother over and over again, and not once did I - " Daisy's voice broke off, a hollowing ache in her chest. "She's unreachable. There is no world where I could have her. I don't even know why I keep - why I even thought - "

Daisy was cut off by May's arms enveloping her. Her grip strong and kind and steady. Safe, so safe. Daisy gasped roughly, her body sagging against May, finally inhaling oxygen just a bit easier again.

Daisy's legs gave out from under her, May immediately lowering both of them to the ground. May's arms closed her in, almost caging her from the cruel world around her. Like a mother would. And suddenly Daisy was assaulted by the memory of almost losing the woman who was currently keeping her from completely shutting down . May had almost died; Daisy had believed she died. And all of a sudden, that same wave of stifling pain crashed over her again, and Daisy clutched May to her, gripping her tightly.

"You almost died too," Daisy wept, not fully aware that her mouth was freely voicing her turmoil. "You almost me left me, too."

"Shh, I'm right here."

But Daisy was unable to hear anything but her racing, terrified thoughts.

"It won't stop. Ever since Trip, I keep losing. I lost the one person who understood me," Daisy's breath caught in her throat as she thought of her first, lost love. "I lost my - "

Her father? Because he was. In every way but blood, Phil Coulson was her father. And he was gone. And Daisy knew she might never completely move past his death; she might never be whole again. There really was nothing without him.

"It's okay, Daisy."

"He's gone, May. Coulson is gone," Daisy sobbed. "It's not him. He will never be him."

"I know, Daisy, I know." May held her harder. Solid against her.

"Please don't leave, May," Daisy grasped May's waist, her head pressing further in her chest. "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere," May rasped, her words firm and full of conviction. "I'm right here, okay? I'm always with you, Daisy."

But she wouldn't be. There was no way to ever ensure that, to ensure her loved ones’ safety, her family's survival. Daisy was going to lose them, or they were going to lose her. Death was inevitable, loss was too, and it didn't help that the odds were always stacked against them.

Enoch was right.

But Daisy didn't say anything, and decided to let May's words seep into her anyway, because Daisy was on the verge of a panic attack and she couldn't afford the loss of control right now. So for this moment, Daisy decided to believe May.

******

Daisy's eyes snapped open, her groggy mind trying to comprehend her surroundings. She had fallen asleep, slowly Daisy lifted her head up and away from May's chest to look into her wide awake eyes. Glancing around, Daisy realized May had moved them to a wall near by.

"How the hell did I fall asleep?" her voice was scratchy and low. "Did I, like, pass out or something?"

May grinned. "Honestly, I think you might have."

"Oh, how long?"

"Not long enough."

Daisy exhaled slowly. "Well, I'm sorry."

"It's all right. You needed it."

Daisy gazed at May's warm smile and noticed her eyes were a little red, realizing that May might've been crying with her. Gratitude and affection rushed through her. They had often joked about it, how Coulson and May were like her parents, but deep down, Daisy had always been speaking from the heart. They were.

Daisy caught May's hand in hers, "Thank you. I don't say it enough,"

May's brows knitted. "For what?"

"For taking care of me, for showing me how to survive and basically teaching me everything I know. For saving my life."

"You never need to thank me for any of that.”

S.H.I.E.L.D. did take a lot of from her. But it had also gifted her with something so rare, so utterly precious. Irreplaceable. It was tangible and real and hers. Daisy would take all the pain in the world if it meant having them. Having this family, keeping it.

"Er, hey."

This time, his voice wasn't as jarring, in fact, somehow Daisy was waiting for it, her ears welcoming its irresistible warmth as her eyes finally met his.

"Hi."

"We should start working out a plan and figuring out exactly where they are," May said, her body suddenly rising up to its full height, Daisy following right after. "I'll see you back inside in a few minutes,."

With one last gentle smile, May was walking away from them.

"Are you okay, sounds very pointless right now. So I'm gonna ask if there's anything you need from me."

Daisy's lips instantly quirked to the side. "Not right now, no. But thanks."

She wanted to ask him how he moved Jiaying, where exactly did he put her. Daisy wanted to see her, but her heart seemed to whimper in fear at the thought. Would she be able to do it? Daisy needed to focus on the mission, and maybe later, if she actually survived, there would be time to say proper goodbye to her mother.

"For now, all we need to focus on is getting Simmons and Deke back," she told him as they both started walking back.

Sousa sighed, eyes flitting away from hers. "I know. It all happened so fast. I couldn't stop him."

"You were with her?"

"Yeah, and I didn't have time t - "

Daisy stopped in her tracks. "Hey, it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could've done."

Even though Sousa knew she was right, she could still sense some lingering guilt in his eyes. But Daisy could more than understand why he felt that way. Because how many times could she have killed Nathaniel? How many ways? Instead, she did nothing but watch. Helpless to stop any of it.

"What happened wasn't your fault either," Sousa said softly.

A part of Daisy didn't like the fact that he seemed to be able to read her so easily after knowing her for such little time. But the other, much bigger part of her, was just so grateful for him. Grateful that she didn't have to talk much for him to understand. So grateful that he was here.

 _Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts._

Daisy peered at Sousa."Well, I guess it doesn't matter if it is or not. Guilt sticks with you anyway it can."

Sousa nodded. "Sometimes, it can be an irrational feeling."

"But in this case, it's justified. He didn't even want Jiaying. If she hadn't been here at all, then she would've - "

"No, you can't think like that," Sousa interjected quickly. "it'll drive you crazy. There was no way for you to know that. It was out of your control, Daisy."

Daisy could feel her insides recoil at the incessant image that wouldn't leave her mind. "He'd told her. Before he killed her. She - she knew who I was. She was trying to protect me."

Sousa stepped up to her, his palm kindly touching her arm. And Daisy didn't flinch away from him.

"She had died honorably. I know things were bad in the future with her. But this was your mother, Daisy. And she had done what she was always supposed to do."

The silent tears slipped before she could stop them, Sousa's hand rubbing her arm soothingly. 

"You know, I'm really glad you kinda pushed me into talking with her."

Sousa smiled warmly. "Really? 'Cause it didn't look like it."

Daisy snorted. "Well, I wasn't at the time. But now I realize I needed the push. . . So thank you."

"Anytime, Daisy."

The way he'd said it, as if he were cementing the idea that he was going to be there for her, anytime. And Daisy wanted to believe him so badly. But she couldn't let herself hope right now, not so soon after. Everything got taken away from her, and Sousa was no exception. Sooner or later.

Daisy sent him a simple nod in response, their legs moving forward again. Daisy didn't want to go inside; the air was probably still thick and heavy with the recent calamity, the devastation. Devastation she was still feeling.

But Daisy didn't have the luxury of mourning right now. Her friends were in trouble, which of course meant the world was in trouble. She needed to push through, as always.

She could let herself think that seeing her mother again brought her nothing but this suffocating sorrow. But Daisy was choosing to view it differently. She was glad that she was lucky enough to have seen Jiaying like this. To hear her say, my daughter, one last time. Daisy was glad she had the chance to look at her mother's beautiful face, and not see years of torment and hate clouding her eyes. Daisy was never even supposed to see her again; she was lucky in that sense.

Or at least that was how Daisy needed to look at it, in order to be able to move on. Because thinking of it any other way could so easily crush her.

Daisy got to see her again and that was enough. Because maybe asking for anything else was too much.

It always was.


End file.
